Note: This is the start of a new, regular feature on this blog where I review movies that are based on video games. If you have any suggestions on what I should review, feel free to tell me in the comments.
Here is something I need you to know about me: I love terrible action movies.
And Doom, the 2005 movie based on super-popular first-person shooter game series, is a TERRIBLE action movie. It’s also a very 2005 action movie. It’s so 2005, Dwayne Johnson is credited as The Rock. (There’s also some really unnecessary racist, ableist and transphobic jokes. Eh.)
Yes, the first X-Box.
Karl Urban and Rosamund Pike also play starring roles. (Putting Karl Urban in a movie is another great way to get me to watch anything.)
Wait, wait… Rosamund Pike like from Pride and Prejudice and Gone Girl? That Rosamund Pike is is DOOM?
Yup.
Doom is not a thinking movie. It opens with Pike’s character, Sam, offering a narration of a basic timeline: A portal to an ancient city of Mars was found in Papoose Lake, Nevada, in 2026. Twenty years later, research is ongoing and no one knows why the portal is there or what it was originally used for.
Cut to: People in lab coats running in the dark, screaming, dying, and one doctor sending out a distress call of a “Level 5 Breach” (oh please let there be only five levels) after he watches some poor colleague get her arm severed in an emergency door. Harsh.
Cut to: The Rock’s introduction! We then go on to meet the Marines who serve under The Rock. They all have nicknames and they only speak in cliches. Seriously, if you played a drinking game where you took a shot for every cliche line, you’d be dead halfway through the movie.
The Rock is called Sarge, then there’s Destroyer, Mac, Goat, Portman, The Kid, Duke and Reaper (Karl Urban).
He’s only ever called “The Kid.” It’s his first mission. Guess how long he lives.
Sarge “The Rock” Johnson tells his men that their leave has been cancelled and instead they’re going to Mars to an archaeological research facility that’s gone haywire.
Sarge then tells Reaper to sit it out because SHE MIGHT STILL BE THERE! She who? A girlfriend? A ex-wife? It’s always a girlfriend or an ex-wife.
Look at that face. How can you say “no” to that face?
I’ve watched this movie so many times, and I only this time around noticed how much time Sarge and Reaper spend staring deeply into each other’s eyes and getting in each other’s personal space. I get that they’re supposed to be super tight and best buds but I mean…
Holding hands. It’s guy love.
The Marines — who repeatedly refer to each other as soldiers for some reason — make it to Mars and find out that almost everything is terrible. There’s 85 people total on base. Six were down in the now-quarantined lab area, and the other 79 are waiting around for the all-clear to peace out.
And then you meet THE GIRL. It turns out, no, she’s not an ex-girlfriend or wife. She’s Reaper’s twin sister, Sam. So the romance(ish) in this movie is NOT between the male and female leads but the female and secondary male lead.
Duke and Sam: OTP 5ever
Which feels weird the first time you watch the movie, mainly because Sam and Reaper still frequently talk to each other like they’re supposed to be romantic interests.
Exposition comes as the Marines plus Sam fan out and search the closed-off area.
Discoveries include freaky things in jars and animals in cages, all of which probably have no business being in an archaeological research facility.
I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure it’s a very serious sin against nature.
There’s also a mention of “weapons research,” which is supposedly where The Rock finds the BFG.
Yes. That’s definitely what the “F” stands for.
Sam explains to Reaper that the forensic archaeological research uncovered a species of humanoid beings that were artificially made to be super-human by adding a synthetic extra chromosome pair to their genetic makeup. She also keeps a skeleton of a a mother and her baby in her lab. It’s totally not creepy.
The mama’s name is Lucy. It’s an archaeology joke.
From there, shit hits the fan. It’s called Doom for a reason, right? Evil ancient secrets wreak havoc on mad scientists, who then wind up killing a lot of innocent people. This is not an original plot.
In addition to the cliche lines, you can also play drinking games with:
- Jump scares
- Bad omens (“I’m sure Steve is fine.” Steve is not even close to being fine.)
- Plot holes
- Any time you say “OH, GROSS” out loud
- Whenever The Rock makes this face
Sick of everyone’s shit.
Doom is rated R, and runs 1 hour, 41 minutes, which is pretty much a perfect length. The acting is pretty decent across the board. The Rock plays the same character he always plays, Karl Urban has this whole cliche-filled-action-movie thing down to a science, and Rosamund Pike is just a genuinely fantastic actress. All of her horrified reactions are totally believable. It’s great.
There’s also enough game references in the movie to keep fans happy. The crown of it all is this:
First-person shooter sequence. In a movie. GROUNDBREAKING.
Basically, if you can suspend disbelief and get over the ridiculous, sometimes nonsensical plot, this is is a really fun movie.
Oh, also, if you can force yourself to believe that Sam and Reaper have a totally normal sibling relationship.
Don’t make it weird.
Game Like ME 